I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
