Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
