so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
