It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
