When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
