After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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