i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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