Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
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Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
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I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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