i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
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I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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