Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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