The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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