Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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