when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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