she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
