So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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