Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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