are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
