I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
