Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
