Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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