Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
