How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
