If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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