You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
