Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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