I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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