We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
