it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
