took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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