Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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