Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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