Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
