He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
