Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
