so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
