theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
