I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
