I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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