i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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