I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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