Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
