Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
