I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
try to milk me bitch
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
