You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My vagina is officially offended.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
