Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
