I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
