EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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