My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
