I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
the raccoons are back...
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