She is in my trunk
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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