I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
