there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
