I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
