I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
