I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
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