I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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