I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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