Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
