Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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