I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
