sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
